Deciding to love someone...

"Trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with."

I love this quote.  I believe it speaks volumes.  Can someone decide to love someone?  Can someone decide not to love someone?  I look at my life and I know that I have loved my husband.  I know that I have loved him in different ways.  I have had an undying love for him, and I have had a love that I hated for him.  In the struggling relationship it has been brought to my attention that I have "decided" to not love him anymore.  I never decided not to love him.  I decided to marry him.  I decided to have children with him.  I have decided to not live an unhappy life anymore.  Has the love diminished?  Absolutely.  I never set out to not love him...it isn't something I just decided one day.  Falling out of love with him happened over time....over many years.  Is it possible to get that "in love" feeling back?  What happens when you don't want it back?

What Does Losing Control Actually Feel Like?

"See, the human mind is kind of like... a piñata.  When it breaks open, there's a lot of surprises inside.  Once you get the piñata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience"  Jane Wagner

When I am home alone I sit with music playing.  I don't watch TV.  I sit with the lyrics flowing deep into my soul.  My mind today is losing control.  I never felt that I had much control to begin with, but today I feel like it is almost completely gone.  I have never understood what it means to lose control, or lose your mind, until now.  My marriage is on the brink of collapse.  The word of "unhappiness" is being felt and heard by all.  There are some who want to fix things, and there is one who doesn't.  I am the one who doesn't.  I am not in this marriage emotionally or mentally.  I do not want to be in this marriage physically.  If someone looked deep into my mind and soul they would see a very lost person.  They would see someone who doesn't know what to do.  They would see someone who feels very alone, and who wants to be alone to figure out what she wants.  They would see someone who is grasping at something to hold on to, so she can have some type of ground to stand on.  Losing control and losing my mind is the same thing.  As I lose more control of what is going on around me the more I am losing my mind.  I am screaming inside for something...anything to become normal again.  There are so many things I want, but I just don't know how to get them.  I feel very superficial.  I feel like I don't even know who I am.  I feel like I am crumbling...